We Don’t Owe Our Parents

We Don’t Owe Our Parents

Will Smith has been in the news lately for his description of the differences between his and his father’s parenting style. Will stated, "The major difference is I'm trying to release the sense of ownership. With our kids, Jada and I believe that it's their lives and we are helping them with their lives. And[sic] they're not our property. They are people that are deservant[sic] of our respect and consideration in the same way that any other human being should be." 



I saw the above meme as funny, and an extreme representation

of stereotyped parenting styles, 

but on second look one has to wonder 

about how parents discipline their children and the differences in 

parenting styles around the globe. 

Will also believes slavery is the root cause. I disagree; some parents (all over the world) are just abusive and controlling. I will state, in Frederick Douglass’ biography (his bio is a great read) he described what he witnessed when the slave owner beat his Aunt Hester (link to excerpt: http://caho-test.cc.columbia.edu/ps/10162.html). I have never witnessed such a beating as described by Mr. Douglass. However, I have seen mothers in Baltimore back in the day viciously beat a child for disobedience or getting into trouble, while at the same time calling him or her something other than their name. If it was bad enough someone intervened and received the usual mind your business, but such efforts normally decrease the beatings intensity, at least in public. Assuming there is something to Will’s thought, does such a view cause dependency? A child raised as property, could begin to see him or herself as property; and possibly never establish him or herself as more than property under protection of their owner. If so, possible result, 40 and 50 year old men and women living with their parents or in a constant struggle. Something to think about, if you care to. Again, I disagree with Will on this.



Will's view is intriguing, and probably not unique, but since he is a megastar his comments attracted news coverage and some debate (thus, I am adding my view to the hot air online). Will and I agree, children are not property. I wouldn’t describe my parenting style as helping them with their lives, but my style is fairly liberal. This is to say, not only do I not own my two children, they don’t owe me anything.

My grandmother and I

My grandmother reared me. To be blunt, I don’t owe her anything other than gratitude. I am extremely grateful for her willingness to take care of me from birth to age 18 minus a few stints with my mother. I love my grandmother, and I’ve chosen to give her gifts and spend time with her as often as possible. I see it as a way to express my gratitude for what she chose to do for me. I hope my children will find it in their hearts to spend some of their precious time with me when they and I are older. That’s all I ask, and all that should be asked. 



If a parent is in need of assistance, do everything you can to help --- that is understood and goes without saying; but are some children beholden to their parents as adults? I think so. Some parents press on children:

I did X for you, you owe me.

You can’t go away to do X because I need you here.

I was there for you during X, now you will be here for me.

THAT IS WRONG. Parents are supposed to do everything possible in good faith during the child’s upbringing. I will do almost anything for my children and am doing my personal best to teach them to develop into responsible adults. I do believe we --- parents --- owe our kids our best effort at rearing, but, that doesn’t mean they owe us when they become adults.




Live your life and give back to your parents because you can and want to --- out of LOVE and AFFECTION --- not out of indebtedness.